How to Have a Kid and a Life: A Survival Guide by Ericka Sóuter

Author:Ericka Sóuter [Sóuter, Ericka]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Family & Relationships, Parenting, Motherhood, Self-Help, Personal Growth, General
ISBN: 9781683644880
Google: qroxEAAAQBAJ
Publisher: Sounds True
Published: 2021-08-24T23:34:30.224927+00:00

Is it any wonder that two-thirds of couples say that marital satisfaction takes a deep dive after the first child is born?6

By the end of a long day, you are ready to lash out. You argue about housework, quality time with kids, who does what, who does more, are they doing their fair share. This appears to be the biggest source of conflict among parents of young children. You feel taken for granted, your mate feels attacked, and there is no room for objectivity on either side. What I learned from spending time with moms from different backgrounds is that most women, myself included, don’t know how to talk about things that bother us without getting upset or even blowing up at our partner.

We have to find ways to address these things in a productive way. Easier said than done when you watch your spouse step over dirty clothes on the floor without considering putting them in the hamper or ignore the overflowing trash can or the dishes that need to be loaded in the dishwasher.

After a long period of stewing (and by that, I mean years), I finally accepted what I needed to do: tell my husband exactly what I needed and what I expected of him. If you approach the conversation calmly as opposed to at the height of your anger and annoyance, you have a better chance of getting what you need. Now, the night before we have plans, I let Caleb know how we will divide and conquer the kids in the morning. Sometimes there is a lot of minutiae involved in that communication, down to who is making sure who brushes their teeth. Does this get a little tiresome? Yes, of course. Yet, it is not nearly as draining as carrying around squint-eyed, silent rage all day long. And, to be honest, he’s happy to help when he knows what needs to be done.

I think the crux of the problem lies within the fact that people don’t always share the same definition of “worthy contribution.” During their study, the Cowans commonly heard complaints like, “He said he was going to be a really involved dad, and he’s just not doing it.” In return, her husband would shout, “Do you know how many diapers I changed this week?” They had different perspectives on what counted. He was thinking of his work as part of his support for the family and part of raising the baby. She wanted more of a contribution on the domestic front. Getting these things on the table and getting couples to think about them in a less blaming way is the path for a more equitable and livable existence for you both. Again, resolving this requires talking without attacking.

It’s all about communication, advises Dr. Anlee Kuo, a San Francisco–based psychiatrist who works with women and families at their most vulnerable times. “The newborn and toddler stages can be a real test of a relationship,” she warned. “A successful relationship is about effective communication.

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